Learning to create a safe space to have uncomfortable conversations about emotions, actions and outcomes is something that takes practice on both partners sides. The skills of conflict management are not intuitively obvious.
Most of us didn't grow up with good examples of how to manage conflict in a way that is healthy and respectful. Our parents either didn't argue at all in front of us, or if they did it wasn't in a healthy way. And, let’s be honest, it is not often that Hollywood depicts a healthy argument between lovers (or anyone for that matter) either! So we cannot expect ourselves or our partners to have tools that were not given to us. We have to actively search them out so that we are able to have these types of conversations with minimal hurt and disrespect involved. If we keep doing what we have always done, we will continue to get the same result!
If we continue to have unresolved conflict, it creates a tremendous negative impact, not only for us as individuals, but also as partners, families, friends, and even work relationships. The ripple effects are endless.
Both parties need to feel heard, seen and important.
In order for conversations to continue to move forward in a healthy way, it is important for each partner to approach each other and the topic with respect.
Four rules in order to start the process
‘Respect Yourself, Respect Each Other, Respect the Relationship, Respect the Environment’.
It might seem obvious, repetitive and juvenile, however when we maneuver through life and relationships with these in mind everything we do fits into at least one of these.
I have actually created a tool that helps couples move through arguments in a healthy way, giving them tools to have intentional and impactful conversations around topics that bring up hard emotions.
Now Let’s dive in.
In the Chinese language the character for conflict is made up of two different symbols: one indicates danger and the other indicates opportunity. This presents something to us. As you think about these two approaches, you get to decide whether you respond first to conflict as a dangerous and obstructive dilemma, or whether you experience conflict as an opportunity for growth and change. The wise person in conflict remains clear headed, inwardly strong, and ready to meet their opponent halfway. By gaining understanding on how to have a healthy way to manage conflict and to set up a safe space to have these conversations, I hope you are able to come to experience conflict as an important means of growth rather than a failure of a negative event that should be avoided at all costs.
"Peace is not absence of conflict, it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means." - Ronald Reagan
1. Your Relationship Base
How is your relationship doing? On a scale of 1-10 how healthy would you say it is. (1 being you shouldn’t be in the relationship, 10 being you are connected, committed and in love)?
Do you trust that your partner has your best intentions at heart?
Do you trust that your partner would not intentionally hurt you?
Do you believe that your partner supports your growth as an individual?
Do you believe that your partner supports the growth of your relationship?
If your answer is yes to those, then when having the uncomfortable conversations that come up, you need to remind yourself of this. Literally have it on repeat in your head so that your heart can hear it and begin to believe it as well. So often we have uncomfortable conversations with our partners and it sparks hard emotions because we are being challenged to see ourselves and grow; and then the fact that our partner is our biggest fan and supporter goes out the window. We feel attacked, when that was not the intention. It is important to be deeply grounded in the fact that our partners love us and trust in that.
If you answer no to any of those questions then there is more work to do than just setting up a safe space for the hard conversations. <3 You need to ask yourself why the answer was no, there needs to be a check in conversation about how your relationship is doing, as well as intentional action put into gaining a deeper and more intimate relationship so that your confidence in each other is there.
2. Set up 'Safe Words'
People think that ‘safe words’ only have to do with bedroom talk, however they really are a great way to move through conversations and situations with grace and mutual respect.
For example, if you are in the middle of having an uncomfortable conversation with your partner that is making it hard to emotionally regulate, being able to use a key word that will let your partner know where you are at will give them the opportunity to take a step back and check in with their tone, words and body language.
“Temperature” could for example be a safe word that triggers you to pause and check in with the ‘heat’ that is coming off the conversation. Is there a way that what needs to be said can be said in a way that is not pointing fingers, blaming, degrading or disrespecting each other?
“Time Out” or a word that means this is important. When you feel yourself getting to a point where your emotions are getting in the way of being able to listen any longer and you want to react out of anger, hurt, resentment, shame (whatever the emotion) it is best to call a timeout and walk away to cool down. Literally walk away. Go outside, get some air, have a bath or shower, do some breathing exercises. Whatever you need to get your heartbeat back to a normal rate.
Time out has to be respected on both sides. If it is called, you need to allow your partner the time they need to decompress, whether you need it or not. If you follow them to ‘finish’ the conversation you are disrespecting yourself, them and the relationship. You are not setting up for success, and you are saying with words and actions that their needs are not important. This will cause the entire situation to escalate into one where there are words and/or actions exchanged that can cause serious damage.
If you are the person who has called the ‘Time Out’ it is not a ‘get out of jail free’ card. You need to finish the conversation after you have finished collecting your thoughts and calming yourself. If you need to call a time out a hundred times before you finish the topic, that is ok; what is important is that you have both said what you needed to say and heard each other and showed up for yourselves, each other and the relationship.
3. Languages that are easier to hear.
Communication behavior often creates conflict itself. Communication behavior reflects conflict itself, and communication is the vehicle for the productive or destructive management of conflict.
If you can’t tell, communication and conflict are tied together on many levels. You don’t know what people are thinking unless you enter into the dialogue with them. Honest dialogue. You don’t know their intentions without that same honest communication. We are not mind readers.
Have you ever heard of the 7% - 38% - 55% Rule?
The 7-38-55 Rule indicates that only 7% of all communication is done through verbal communication, the words we speak, whereas the nonverbal component of our daily communication, such as the tonality of our voice, make up 38% and 55% from the speaker's body language and facial expressions
When going into conversations that might prove to be uncomfortable, make sure you check your body language.
Are you sitting on the same level (if one of you is in a position that is higher than the other it actually subconsciously adds dominance, try to be eye to eye)? Is your body open to your partner (no arms crossed)? Is the tone of your voice one that is calm, is your face relaxed (no clenching jaws, try to relax your forehead). They all seem like small things that do not matter that much, but when you make these small incremental changes it allows for more energy flow, openness and trust between you. When you find these happening, it is time to take a deep breath and intentionally go back to your ‘open and approachable state’.
It is important to remember that you do not have to agree!
So many people are unable to realize that just because you are partners does not mean that you are going to, or should, agree on everything. Once again, you are unique individuals, both coming from different backgrounds, childhoods, traumas, relationship experiences. The list could go on and on. Each one of those wolds our worldview and gives us our opinions. Our experiences paint how we see things moving forward. Now, does this mean that people shouldn’t grow and create new opinions with new information? Absolutely not. However, it is not your job to change your partner’s opinion. It is a different thing completely to present new information in a loving and respectful way, or create a different experience for them so they might be able to consciously and intentionally make their own newly informed opinion.
What hill are you willing to die on?
Meaning, choose the values that are the ‘must agree’ on’s and those should be clearly communicated to your partner (or potential partner), like religious world views, child rearing, morals and values. If your partner does not align with these, then you will most likely come up against more hard conversations that seem to have no light at the end of the tunnel,and should really think about if the partnership is based on health. All other subjects should be open for you to hold different views and opinions on. As long as you feel like your difference in opinion is respected, then it should not be an argument that brings a divide into your relationship.
No finger pointing.
When your partner does something that creates an emotional reaction in you, it is important to not withhold it, that being said though, it is important that you deliver the message with respect and kindness.
What is easier to hear?
“You are always on your phone when we are together. You are not spending quality time with me and it pisses me off. I am second fiddle to your screen! I am starting to not even want to spend time with you.”
Or
“Hey babe, did you know that my love language is quality time? Lately I am feeling really disconnected from you because you seem to be on your phone when we are together. I would really appreciate it if when we are together you would be able to give me your full attention.”
The second one is easier isn’t it? You know why?
It is providing information in a respectful and caring way. It is reminding them of your love language (quality time), how you feel (disconnected), it is letting them know what action is taking away from that (phone), and what you need (full attention).
When we are not able to emotionally regulate and react to the action that spikes our temperament what happens is that the person on the receiving end of it doesn’t hear a single thing and their defensive switch is turned on.
Instead of hearing what you are feeling and what you need, all they hear is “you, you, you”. We all know how terrible that is, and how ineffective it is in starting a conversation that we need a positive outcome from.
So the formula is:
Educate/remind them of what is important to you that is being taken or crossed by the action
What you are feeling
Why you are feeling that way (their action)
What you need
Following this formula will not make the conversation not a hard one, but what it will do is allow the conversation to move forward with respect, care, kindness and allow for both parties to be heard and seen.
Have you ever heard the term 'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' when on the topic of conflict in relationships?
J Gottman coined this phrase in 1999 as an attempt to explain destructive conflict. The Four Horsemen are as follows and in this order. Criticizing, Defensiveness, Stonewalling, and Contempt. When we are unable to start honest dialogue with a constructive complaint and hear them with an open heart, we begin down this slippery slope that leads to disconnection and lack of intimacy. We begin an avoidance spiral. We become less direct with our interaction; actively avoid the other party, reduce our dependence on them, harbor resentment and disappointment and complain about them to third parties.
If you find yourself in this spiral or in the place where you are withholding from your partner because you are worried about conflict or outcome it is not too late to create change, learn conflict management tools and begin to see these situations as opportunities to grow as an individual and couple.
Conflict and uncomfortable conversations cannot be avoided and should not be avoided all together. However, we have the ability to change our orientation on conflict and amaze ourselves and others with the ability to turn what formerly created destruction in partnership into deeper connection and intimacy.
In order to do this, we must take our conflicts, emotions and the way we communicate them seriously. There are four stages:
The appearance of conflict
The absence of hope
The occurrence of creativity
The emergence of stability.
As you begin to use the framework I have given you in this tool, you will begin to experience the beautiful confidence that comes from having a positive outcome to conflict. You will become more hopeful and encouraged that each time something arises that brings a hard conversation to the surface, there is an opportunity to turn towards each other and dig deeper.
Conflict resolution is a set of tools that can be learned. We can change our approach, and as we do so, we become a beacon of hope and force for change in others.
Want to dive deeper into Conflict Management?
Take my online course (do it on your own or with your partner!) and gain understanding, perspective, tools and support in order to maneuver the hard work that comes with growth and deep intimacy and connection.
Questions or need support?
Reach me discreetly at 604.337.7125
~ 'See the Light, Be the Light'
Mariel Nichole
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