This question is one that I hear a lot from clients and friends. It both brings a smile to my face as well as invokes a tinge of sadness.
It is a beautiful thing that so many men want to step in and step up in this department; however it is just another blatant indicator that women carry around sexual insecurities and shame. Not just a little bit, but enough for it to be coming up in their relationships and holding them back from fully being able to embrace an abundant sex life; and in return holding back their partners from the same thing.
There are a few different parts that we need to chat about when it comes to being a supportive partner in this area.
The first is that the need to be able to actually see the ‘why’ women carry this around with them.
Even if you are not a guy who does not have the mindset of the history of society that has created this ‘female sexual shame & insecurities pandemic’; there is still a need to pause and look back over it. I don’t need to go into female oppression, all I will say is when you pause and think about it… Does me wearing a short skirt and a crop top mean that I am asking to get raped? That is a very small tip of the iceberg on that topic, and one in which we are taught from a young age. When you are able to recognize and validate that there has been a very unequal amount of sexual oppression put onto women, their bodies and their sexuality, you will be in the right place to lovingly and respectfully be actively supporting her exploring and embracing her sexuality.
Secondly is that you need to be confident in yourself,
because her exploring her sexuality means that you are along for a wild ride that may not look like how you planned it. Remember that we cannot control other people.
We can provide them support, tools and guidance, but in the end it is up to them to decide what is best for themselves and what they want/need. You also need to know your ‘why’. Why is this important to you? She is going to want to know that. Is it so that you are able to explore yours and bring that into the relationship? Is it because you can see that she is missing out and want to see her have more pleasure in her life? Is it because you feel held back in your own sexuality?
Third is where you actually start to bring it up to her!
Now, there are right times to talk about this and wrong times to talk about it. For example, if you are about to start being intimate and sexual play is happening, it will be a turn off and bring about total shame if you start talking about something that makes her uncomfortable (even if it's sexy to you, for example her being with a woman or taking photos etc).
Or, here is an example from my own life:
I grew up with all the normal sexual oppression that happens in society along with all that comes with growing up in a conservative home. I literally did not ever masturbate because it was just strange to me and felt like I was doing something wrong. Now, don’t get me wrong, I felt like it was important for other people to be doing this, and still do of course. Knowing your own body and being able to pleasure yourself is important for yourself and your partner! But, for years and years this was not the case in my own personal life.
My partner and I had many conversations about it, about how important it is, and he continuously challenged me to get over this insecurity. He challenged me to start making time to touch myself for at least 10 minutes a day. (Who is the sex coach now eh?! Ha Ha). Because in my head I agree and know the importance of it, I agreed to the challenge. Well, one day he came into bed after me and busted me ‘practicing’. He smiled and got a twinkle in his eye and was like; “What are you doing, you perv”. Now, as much as I know he was kidding and that him walking in on me like that was actually a turn on for him, my cheeks went so red and I felt like barfing. It was an innocent comment said in a joking manner, but due to my shame around masturbating, it knocked the wind out of my sales.
So, as I was saying, be aware of the time and place of comments and conversations. If you want to challenge and support your partner, start having conversations around
sexuality during the time that you two have together outside sexual play. A big part of this is also being open when she does bring things up. Be interested, non judgemental and willing to try things. All of this brings action to the words you are saying.
The last part of this is all affirmation and patience.
Yes, constant affirmation that you enjoy her being a sexual creature. Affirming her when she makes sexual advances on you, or tells you what she wants/needs during your sexy time. Fill up her love cups using her love language. If she feels like the queen that she is, she will continually gain confidence in herself and in your as her partner, protector, lover.
The shame she carries is generations of systemic oppression, it won’t be overcome in a day. But with support, care, encouragement and guidance it is possible.
And, when she is on the other side, she will remember who walked with her though the whole thing. It will create a deeper intimacy and more abundant sex life than what either of you have ever known.
Questions or need support?
Reach me discreetly at 604.337.7125
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