When in the thralls of passion, there are so many things going through both party’s minds.
Am I being too loud?
Does she know that I am close to cumming?
Why are they continuing to do this when it doesn’t feel good?
Porn stars are loud, maybe I am supposed to be loud.
She is so quiet, I don’t know if what I am doing is good!
My past sexual partners told me that I sounded fake when I was being vocal in bed.
I have things that I want to say to her during sex that turn me on, but don’t want to cross boundaries.
I want her to try something but don’t want her to think I am ordering her or dominating her and get upset.
What if she doesn’t like what I sound like when I verbalize what I am feeling?
Any of these sound familiar?
Here is the thing. If we don’t have these conversations as partners, how are we ever going to know the answer? Every single human is unique in so many ways, what their sexual preferences are when it comes to verbalization & vocalization is definitely one of them!
When you are in the moment, it would be so wonderful if you could not worry about all those bombarding thoughts and just enjoy yourself and express yourself authentically and organically. That is less likely to happen if you don’t communicate about it.
There is nothing wrong with asking your partner what she likes when it comes to talking/noise during sex. It is a good thing to ask. Too often we tend to project our own thoughts onto our partners or assumptions based on our past experience (either with them or with a prior sexual partner).
Two examples I will give from my own life:
When I was quite a bit younger, I had a sexual partner who was also one of my best friends. He was this super fit and attractive guy. Great to look at, great to spend time with… but in bed… he was like a robot. We would be fucking around and his facial expression would never change and he wouldn’t make a peep!
Any of you ever seen 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off' with Matthew Broderick back in the day? My fuck buddy, he reminded me of the teacher in that movie. Completely monotone 'Bueller, Bueller, Bueller".
It made me feel really awkward because I didn’t even know if he was enjoying himself! I ended up stopping having sex with him because I didn’t have the tools or experience at the time to be able to just talk to him about it!
So, this is a case of… it is good for your partner to know if you are having fun or if it is feeling good, as well as if it is not! Feedback is crucial to being able to grow together and deepen your sexual chemistry. This doesn’t mean you have to moan if you are not a ‘moaner’ or talk dirty if that isn’t your style; but what it does call for is a check in with your partner. Let them know in some way, shape or form. Even if it's guiding them gently with what they are doing. “Babe, that’s so good.” or “It feels so good when you use your tongue like that” Whatever it is. Give little cues that they are giving you pleasure. Then she won’t feel lost!
The second example is one of assumptions.
I was going into a sex play situation with a couple I used to date and we all sat down to talk about boundaries, turn on’s/off’s and setting up safe words etc (all very important when headed into play); and the male of the couple said that his wife liked being called a ‘slut’ and being spanked hard. I said that I was not into that, due to my upbringing and history I felt like it was a bit degrading, for myself anyways, I was totally good with her liking that! As that evening unfolded and got steamed up I realized that in that specific situation it was actually something that was a turn on. It wasn’t from degrading energy, it was from a sexy play one, and one in which the term ‘slut’ is actually endeared.
Moving forward I got into a relationship with an amazing man who is respectful, kind, and that I trust. One day during our sex I turned to him and told him to pull my hair and call me his ‘little slut’; which he did of course, Ha Ha. Afterwards we were talking about it and he said that it was a big turn on for him that I did that, but he would not have come out and said that on his own or suggested it.
That did two things.
It was nice that he respected me enough to not want to offend me by using terminology that is usually offensive; that bumped him up in my books. But also, because of his assumption that I would be offended, if I hadn’t brought it up to him, he would have been in this relationship for the long haul without knowing that it was ok for him to do that (it has to be ‘slut energy vibes going on for it to be good though).
Point being, with my two examples is that communication is key!
Your partner wants to know that you are enjoying it, doing that with ‘moans’, ‘groans’, ‘growls’, words, facial expressions… it is all good! And, if you want to be more verbal and want to know where their boundaries are with words/names/dirty talk etc, you need to be able to talk about it beforehand. When you are a loving partner who treats your partner like a queen, she will always be more open to expanding sexual horizons, even if it is just verbally.
Have questions? Need support?
Reach me discreetly at 604.337.7127
Comments